Learning to Let Go

 As a very fallible human being, one of the hardest things I have yet to learn is to let go.

Recently there has been some turmoil between myself and my parents. The details are unimportant, however, the theme is: accepting responsibility for an action is not the same as being "wrong".

Over the past few years I have learned that it is okay to be wrong. It's okay to fuck up. What's not okay is to not change.

Event A happens. I reflect on what happened (I backed into my husband's car because I didn't check to see that he parked behind me, I just habitually hit the car in reverse and BOOM). In order for Event A to not reoccur I must change my behavior. I must: 1) Look in the review mirror EVERY time before I put the car in reverse 2) I must acknowledge that what I did lead to Event B (damage to my husband's car) and I must do certain actions to correct this. This means I must change my behavior, AND I must make amends. This doesn't mean I need to admit to doing something "wrong" but I must acknowledge that I did something that lead to a certain outcome.

With that said, I am far from perfect. I still make "mistakes", or what I now try to call them, "choices". If a choice leads to an undesirable outcome, I need to change that choice/action in order to have a different outcome in the future.

So, back to the parents things. I have lots of repressed/ingrained reactions from when I was a kid. My mother is not the best communicator, and because of this I have been conditioned to react a certain way to when she asks me questions. She may have the best intentions when she asks a question, but there have been many instances when her questions are not so benevolent and she is trying to acquire specific information that she then uses in the future against me. Because of this I have been conditioned to answer her questions in a vague or convoluted manner. These actions have lead to many disagreements in the past few months that have ultimately lead to me not talking to either of my parents for months. 

While going excommunicado is not ideal, it has allowed me the space to really evaluate the way I have been conditioned, and to reexamine my intentions. Is omission of information a lie if it is done to avoid further conflict? Is absolute candor the only way to face conflict head on? 

I've begun to see that there are probably many ways to handle such a situation, but ultimately, enduring some pain is what must happen in order to work through uncomfortable situations. Is the pain worth the resolution? I've often put others before myself, and have "gotten small" to keep the peace. While this tactic often is a great way to avoid conflict, it often never truly addresses the core issue. Not to say that I am some saint, but, I do attempt to use concise communication and (albeit sloppy and evolving) emotional intelligence to navigate arguments. It doesn't always work, but, it's much better than my previous standard setting of ghosting and stonewalling.