The Wounded Healer Uses Unconventional Boundaries

In this modern world that was built on the foundation of extraction, it is ever important for those that have big hearts to have unconventional boundaries. Some of us are built to love infinitely, and seem to grow stronger in proportion to the amount of love they can give and receive. Almost like the Hulk, but the inverse; instead of being fueled by anger to commit acts of destruction, they are fueled by capacity to care and heal.

But not all of us fit into this teeny tiny niche that a true healer does. There are few of them, and those that do exist, must never be taken for granted. Because with big hearts and the ability to love, also comes the immeasurable capacity for suffering. To love so greatly generally, also means, that person was hurt tremendously. And instead of hurting the world more in return, they become what psychiatrist Carl Jung coined, The Wounded Healer.

“Only the wounded physician heals... and then only to the extent he has healed himself.” - Carl Jung

While not every healer is a wounded one, the most effective ones do seem to be those that have had their fair share of hurts. And rather than paying that pain forward, they make the choice to do the opposite--to offset suffering as much as they can.

As a product of tumult and poverty, I didn't know what a boundary was until my 30's, and even now I sometimes struggle with the concept. As I've come to interpret it, boundaries are an emotional restriction or an agreed upon societal construct, that two of more individuals "agree" to. While boundaries in the psycho-emotional sense are invisible things, they are quite akin to the boundaries between states. These are imaginary lines that we all collectively agree upon, and have certain rules we follow in conjunction with these lines.

Boundaries then, can become complicated, especially when one party doesn't acknowledge the other's border. Boundaries sort of work, but, they work best when all parties involved are cognizant and compliant with each other's restrictions and requests.

This concept is one that must be taught sooner in life to people, as without this concept, I struggled immensely through my formative years. In reality, a boundary is as simple as the concept of bodily autonomy--this physical vessel I inhabit is mine alone, and in order for you to have access to it, I must expressly give it, whether verbally or through body language.

An emotional boundary is the same -- I tell you I don't like it when you call me Babe, please refrain, but you continue to do it. If I don't reaffirm this boundary correctly, you will continue to plow right through it. In my past iterations, I was forced to use intellectual weapons to guard my boundaries rather than solidifying the boundary itself. 

 For example: I started calling my (now ex) Sugar Tits publicly as a way to combat his continued use of nicknames towards me that I had disliked. I had told him several times I didn't like nicknames, but he continued to use them both privately and publicly. So, I did the only thing (at the time) I knew how to do--I weaponized my words and I aimed them at his shame response. It worked (eventually), but its certainly not the best way to go about protecting yourself.

This is what sets a healer apart from the rest of society. Wounded Healers have very limited boundaries, not because they don't know how to build them, but because they have torn down their fortresses purposely, and replaced them with a welcome sign--Come in Peace or Leave in Pieces. They expose their hearts, so others will be able to expose theirs. And while this does leave the healer open to attack, their authenticity and steadfastness generally diffuses any sort of possible intrusion.